Home Movie Epiphany

I have gone through a change for the better recently. I don't know exactly what triggered it. But I think it is a combination of my Chicago vacation and watching the home movies. Why and how? Let's see. My husband noticed a change in me immediately when I came back from Chicago. It is hard to describe. Chipper. More up. More there. Living in the moment. More focused on goals. More focused on the house and the people in it. Less time on the computer. Motivated internally to organize closets, paperwork, the garage and surfaces all over the house to bring more serenity to the house. Clutter = Chaos. Decluttering and giving away/throwing away what is no longer needed is so freeing. Freeing up space so we can live. Getting in touch with my best potential as a self/person, wife and mother. For example, seeing the importance of scheduling a professional portrait of the children and not putting it off for a "more convenient time" that hasn't come along in the past 7 years.

I am also re-picking up a book that I had started but set aside. It is called Bad Childhood, Good Life by Dr. Laura Schlesinger. I wonder what percentage of people would put themselves in the category of having had a Bad Childhood. I bet a lot. I think it is part of the human condition. Most parents fall short. I know I have fallen short for my kids. Not all the way. But I have. I am reading it carefully because I want to continue this roll that I'm on. Shedding past regrets and blame and moving on to claim my birthright. My right to the American Dream. Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. Gleaning information that I can pass on to my kids to help them shed the burdens of our imperfect parenting so they can move on to their best potential.

So I watched the movies of my family's past. I saw my parents. Boy were they good-looking. My brothers and I were adorable, calm children. My grandparents were alive again, smiling and waving to the camera. Yes, the camera came out at the happiest times, parties and the like. But even looking through a window into those times was like being washed in an entire ocean's worth of water. A full cleansing of all the intervening years and a feeling of getting in touch with one's roots. Rebirth. Seeing the good in our family. The love and life lessons that my parents, grandparents and great-grandparents sought to instill in us for the generations. Yes, our family is a little nutty and offbeat. But we have a lot of good in us, too. And I feel WAY more in touch with that now, and the strength of my roots.

My husband and his mother watched all of their family's films over here last weekend. He got the projector working and they watched film reel after film reel, unable to stop until, apparently, 5am. I watched a few of the films before heading up to bed much earlier. What I saw was awesome. My MIL was THIN and BEAUTIFUL. 8*) My husband was a very cute, energetic boy. The firstborn. We saw his parent's wedding and honeymoon. Their 5 kids' birth/homecomings. Swim classes. Barbecues. In the morning my husband confided to me some less pleasant memories that were dredged up by some of the films, and I was able to comfort him. It felt good to be able to do that. Salve some of the hurts that went back 30 years. Validation and understanding. Now we can move forward. And I saw a change in him. He became more focused on his parenting. Doing even more for the kids than he usually does. Grinding food and feeding the baby during dinner. I talked to MIL this week and she says she is also changed by watching the films. She had felt stalled in her weight loss and now she feels new ambition. She says that she has felt overweight her whole life. She never thought of herself as beautiful. And now she sees herself in the movies, a beautiful young woman. An epiphany.