Saturday Night Live's opener was a fake CSPAN announcement of the resignation of "a man who has twisted a few arm and poked a few chests. A man who knows no fear, but knows how to make others afraid. You know him as Rahm Emmanuel, but to me, he will always be RAHMBO. Rahm will be replaced as White House chief of staff by Peter Rouse (who shakes his head no), uh, uh, he hails from Connecticut and is a lover of cats. Come on back Pete...nothing to be afraid of. But enough about Pete, today belongs to Rahm."
"Thank you Mr. President. As the president reminded us just now, I do have a certain reputation among my colleagues in congress. Now has my manner sometimes been a bit aggressive? Probably. Could my personality be described as a bit abrasive? Yes it could. Do I lack even basic social skills? Absolutely. Does a little bit of me go a long way? Indeed it does. In my job, have I at times used ugly strong-arm methods to get support for this president's agenda? Guilty as charged. But remember, there is a big difference between arguing a point passionately, and committing actual physical violence. And that's a difference I completely lost sight of. Not in every case, but almost. And for that I am truly very sorry. Now, Pete, come here, there is one piece of advice I can give to you is this. Everyone in Washington is trying to kill you. All the time. And it's kill or be killed. Are you ready to kill a man, Pete? Are you ready to choke a man over a vote?" "I don't think so." "Cause this is prison rules now, baby. On the first day, you gotta walk up to the biggest congressman you can find and say, nice to meet you, and when he goes to shake your hand, you stab him in the neck with a pencil. And then you scream for every one to hear, I AM PETE ROUSE, BUT YOU CAN CALL ME KING F-ING KONG! If any of you ladies have a problem with that I will fight you in the men's room. Are you ready to be King Kong Pete?" "No!" "Are you ready to let the part of you that's human die?" "No, I don't think I want this job anymore." "You can't cry buddy, OK? If you cry, it's over. If you cry, it's Shawshank. Here, I want you to have this. It's a razor blade. You keep it in your mouth. Hopefully you'll never have to use it. But it's still nice to feel the metal against your gums." "I WANNA GO HOME!" "Shhh. You have no home now. Home is for people. But you, you're a monster." He plants a long kiss on Pete's forehead, and shoves him away. "Today I am leaving the hardest and the best job I've ever had. Now, did I make a difference? I hope so. I do know one thing for certain, I made a lot of friends. What's that? I didn't? No friends at all? Right. Because of my personality. Well, there's not much more else to say. I want once again to thank the president for this opportunity, and to wish him good luck dealing with the new angry Republican majorities in congress. On that score, I'm sure our people will do just fine. (Rouse is sobbing.) And one last thing, LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!"
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