Today's Joke

Here is a joke sent to me via email by my mother in Washington State.

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a
rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a
little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil
is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take
de bate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a
small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got
twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a
hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be
charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because
they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles,
U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a
number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on
shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out
free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could
jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought
tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone;
it is two tired.

A will is a
dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow;
fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes in
verse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road:
poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you
can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name
and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you
A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes
back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine
was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France,
resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if
you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia:
The LAN down under.

He broke into song because
he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days
are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted:
'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg
is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which
was never developed.

A plateau is a high
form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches
will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center
you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge,
you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair,
she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes
on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are
subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture:
a jab well done.