Can't hold it in

I have been trying for days *not* to write this blog post, but it is screaming to get out. I think the problem is that I cannot communicate truthfully all of my feelings with the parties involved. And the issue is not resolved.

It is about my housekeeper. I can't tell her exactly how I feel about everything because I need to preserve good feelings with her and also with my neighbor. My neighbor is the one who hired her in the first place 2 years ago. She had gone to a service and done some interviews and really liked Mrs. L. But she told me that she was worried Mrs. L would move on to find full-time employment since she was only having her come 3 days a week. I told her I thought I could help out with that and I would be happy to have her on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

So Mrs. L started coming to my house. I got rid of the cleaning crew. She cleaned the upstairs on Tuesday when J. was napping and the downstairs on Thursday. I never had her do kitchen work or cooking because I have a kosher kitchen. It is hard to explain about a kosher kitchen, but suffice it to say that things are complicated and it is easier for me to do the stuff myself. So she folded laundry and watched the kids otherwise, taking them for walks and trips to the park. I worked from home, and then out of the home on those 2 days. One day Mrs. L told us that her teenage daughter was pregnant. I tried to be happy for her but I had a bad feeling that it would affect our working relationship. I had lost a good office manager at my husband's office under similar circumstances. The teenage mom stayed home with the baby initially, then when the baby was older, the grandma quit work to watch the baby.

When I became pregnant with baby A, my neighbor said that she was thinking on cutting back expenses and perhaps I would be interested in taking Mrs. L for 3 days per week in the fall when the baby was due. I thought that would be great. During my 3rd trimester of pregnancy Mrs. L showed up with the granddaughter, explaining that her daughter had begun school to become a dental hygienist. I asked how long the little girl would be coming to work with her and she told me it would be for a couple of months then she would find someone to watch her. Mrs. L curtailed interacting with my boys for the most part.

As you recall, baby A was born in early November. He was 3 weeks early, so his newborn month was more like 2 months long. I reminded my neighbor about her idea of switching days with me and she said that her husband had nixed the idea. I found myself resenting the presence of the little girl in my house, but I couldn't say anything about it. I felt any comments would come across as mean-spirited. So I sat there in the nursing chair, unable to do much with my boys. I don't feel confident going out until my nipples stop bleeding and I can nurse more inconspicuously without being super-super careful about the baby's latch technique. I knew that the boys were watching way too much television. I enrolled the 3-y-o in preschool to get him out of the house. The 4-y-o continued in preschool 3 mornings a week. And I sat there fuming and growing more and more resentful that *my* kids were being farmed out to preschool but this other little girl was coming to my house every day. I never thought seriously about hiring somebody else, though. I don't know why. I guess I thought that it was only a temporary thing, and that I would be getting back into my groove soon as the baby got a bit older.

It began to dawn on me that this was not going to change. There was no other babysitter for the little girl. If I wanted Mrs. L, she came hand-in-hand with the little girl, who was now 14 months old. Oh, and I was still paying full freight for her time, even though her efforts and attention were now subdivided.

The last straw for me was last week. On Tuesday I received a call from the baby's mother, Mrs. L's daughter, explaining that the baby was sick and Mrs. L was not coming to work. I was bummed and had to move things around in my schedule. On Thursday, I got a call from Mrs. L from my neighbor's house that the baby had thrown up in her car on the way to work and she was going back home. I said, "OK. Take care of her and yourself, I'll see you later." I couldn't let on how furious I was. I was the low man on the totem poll. Why did she stop at my neighbor's house 2 blocks away instead of coming to see me directly? Why is it only Mrs. L who has responsibility for the baby when she is sick? Why does the mother not have to ever miss a day of school? Where is the father? Where is the paternal grandmother? Where is the grandfather? It was clear that whatever *I* had planned for the day was unimportant compared to what EVERYBODY ELSE had planned to do. Not just one day on Tuesday, but also on Thursday. There was no consideration for my needs. They threw me under the bus.

So it is not just about what happened last week. I have been doing a slow burn for months. I have been forced into a home-daycare situation *in-my-own-house*. Something I have NEVER done, because I have never wanted to take time and attention away from my own kids. And this has been done at a time when I was weak and vulnerable in my 3rd trimester of pregnancy and during the newborn phase.

I don't want to lose goodwill with my neighbor. I count her a good friend. So the party line is that I need someone more than 2 days per week. Hey, that's what she told me too, right? What is good for the goose is good for the gander. And I do look forward to giving 2 weeks notice to Mrs. L. I doubt she will have an easy time finding a new family to take her with her toddler granddaughter in tow.